Friday, August 27, 2010

The rest...

"Just write about what bites you and damn the rest."

- Jonathan Carroll

This blog is the last in a long history of blogs for me. I started out writing a little blog called Pixie Has Fight a little over six years ago. In starting out a new, fresh and shiny blog, I decided to go back through all the other public diaries I've had to suss out where I was and who I've become.

Let me tell you, it's been an eye opener.

Nearly six years ago, I wrote this:

"Hands in the air. I'm tired of having to defend my own opinions and being told their wrong. You're pro-life. Fine. But don't you dare fucking tell me how to live MY life. Don't get an abortion. But stay the HELL out of my uterus. Don't tell me I'm a hypocrite because I'm for animal rights, and a vegetarian, but want choice. Fuck you."

Wow. Let's dissect, shall we? I am absolutely still pro-choice. Strongly. Unwaveringly. But I wouldn't chose to express myself like that now. I've simmered like a fine wine and now I'm able to stop, think and pick my words wisely. I may still fillet you like that, but it'll be subtle. I've come a long way.

After that blog, I wrote one called Sexual Anarchism. I was living in an off again/on again BDSM with my ex-fiance and we wrote about day to day life. I won't share anything from that blog, as it's pretty graphic and also very personal (not to mention I don't have his permission to share it), but that was a whole other side of me that I don't act on much these days either. Reading through the archives, I found it difficult to even get in that head space. Who was I? Why did I think that way? What made me crave those things? I can't understand 22 year old Melle any more than I can understand 28 year old Melle. I guess some things don't change.

Decorus Poena came next, a place I stayed for nearly three years. It was my slow slide out of BDSM and into me, writing about what turned me on and who I was at the same time. It's still online but, I will warn you, there are some explicit pictures. If you don't want to know me that well, I strongly recommend you not looking it up. *laugh*

I wrote a bit more in a blog called Irrational Beauty, but it dropped off after that. Myspace posts, journaling on my own. I was burnt out from the constant pressure of having to produce, having people read every word I say and criticize and judge me. It was hard to be in the public eye, so I chose not to.

But now, I think I'm ready again. I'm settled, grounded. Happy. I have so much going on that's good in my life that I need the outlet to vent. I'm ready to open my miraculous cabinet and let the contents settle where they will.

And, to quote the amazing Carroll, I'm going to write about what bites me and damn the rest. 

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